CHOP’S GUIDE NEWS NETWORK (CGNN): GLOBAL DESK: MONACO

By Shock Itch

The maritime world has officially succumbed to a terminal case of financial delusion. Accor has unveiled the Orient Express Corinthian which is a massive sailing yacht designed to transport the ultra wealthy through a high priced simulation of the Roaring Twenties. The design features a sprawling recording studio and a fully realized Art Deco speakeasy. The corporate planners completely forgot that heavy brass fixtures, polished mirrors, and secret doors are a terrible combination when navigating a twenty foot Atlantic swell. The entire vessel operates as a floating vanity project where the historical elegance of Prohibition meets the harsh reality of projectile motion sickness.

The interior design attempts to replicate a land locked jazz club with dark walnut paneling and plush velvet booths. The logistical reality is completely ridiculous because velvet absorbs salt water like a sponge and the custom brass chandeliers swing like medieval weapons every time the boat hits a wave. The inclusion of a hidden speakeasy on a maritime vessel also exposes a profound ignorance of basic history.

During the Prohibition era, cruise liners and rum runners simply sailed three miles offshore into international waters to serve alcohol completely out in the open without any legal consequences. Hiding a bar on a yacht is a completely redundant exercise in historical roleplay for people who do not realize that the entire point of a boat during the twenties was to drink without hiding it from anyone. Instead, the hidden entrance to this speakeasy frequently jams due to marine humidity which traps wealthy patrons inside a windowless room where a single cocktail costs eighty dollars. It is a masterclass in spending millions to recreate a land based bar in the worst possible environment for liquid consumption.

I forced my way into the acoustic chamber to interview Connor Pemberton, a soft featured suburbanite who performs under the rap moniker Yung Escrow, to discuss the reality of maritime recording.

Shock Itch: Connor, you are spending your grandfather’s real estate fortune to record a trap album inside a sailing vessel. Explain the acoustic difficulties of laying down bars while drifting through a marine environment.

Yung Escrow: The sound isolation in here is completely useless because the ocean is constantly interfering with my brand. I was trying to record a very gritty verse about surviving the struggle and a massive wave slammed directly into the hull. The vibration threw off the entire low end frequency and my sound engineer dropped his organic green juice into the master mixing board.

The yacht features advanced stabilization technology but it is completely useless against the chaotic acoustic environment of the open sea. One entire track on the upcoming album consists of the artist weeping openly over the screech of displaced wildlife and a sudden weather shift. The luxury marketing promises a seamless blend of art and nature, but the visceral truth is that water and high end audio equipment are natural enemies that should never occupy the same zip code, unless, of course, you want to record aquatic things.

Shock Itch: The studio log notes that your entire session was derailed by a sudden atmospheric shift and local wildlife.

Yung Escrow: A sudden squall hit us right during the emotional climax of my third track. The boat tilted hard to the port side which sent my custom gold plated laptop sliding across the room. A flock of aggressive seagulls started screaming directly into the ambient microphones and I completely broke down. It is impossible to maintain a fierce reputation when you are weeping in a life jacket because salt spray ruined your expensive silk tracksuit.

The combination of high concept design and musical delusion shows that the luxury travel market has completely decoupled from reality. The Orient Express Corinthian is a beautiful hull wrapped around a core of pure nonsense. If you find yourself paying a premium to listen to a pudgy internet personality cry about a headwind while your martini slides off a marble bar, you have officially run out of meaningful ways to spend your inheritance.

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