Phones, Women and Cannibalism


Women of the world!

When you accept going on a date with someone, please do that special someone a favor and stay off your phone.

This goes for guys too, but this happens more often with the fairer sex in my experience.

I was prompted to write this story of misfortune based on a blog I read earlier today.

My boy Skins had a shit time with his date in Vietnam, bad enough to warrant a blog post.

His post reminded me of my worst night in St. Pete due to a horrific date.

My brother and I had just arrived in Saint Petersburg, Russia for the first time after a few days we had just spent in Moscow.

We check into our single room in the Golden Garden Hotel.

There was a cute girl at the counter checking us in and after getting scammed out of about $300 in the Moscow train station, before the trip to St. Pete it certainly made, at least, the end of a pretty crap day a little better.

Pretty girls have that effect.

You are welcome for that pearl of knowledge, ladies.

St. Petersburg is, to date, my favorite city in the world.

It has great architecture, gorgeous women, loads of things to see and do and gorgeous women.

We realized after the first night or so that getting a single room was a mistake.

I realized it more than my brother as I am the less attractive, shyer of the two of us.

He didn’t have too many problems finding girls to touch him inappropriately in our single room while I was banished to sitting down in the lobby of our hotel.

Neither of us knew the city very well by this point, so I wasn’t really into getting lost, at night, alone.

He had to sit in the lobby too but not quite as often.

Phones, Women and CannibalismThe glass half full of me spending several hours in the foyer of the hotel was that I was able to chat up the girl in the lobby that checked us in when we arrived.

Her name is Анна (pronounced Anya), and she was cute, sweet and unable to run away… just the way I like ’em.

Anya and I got to learn quite a bit about one another, and we kept in contact after I went back to Iraq.

This is September 2006.

The best parts of my life were ten years ago… suck it… I am working on getting back and making new, fun memories.

My brother and I decided to go back to Russia on our next trip we were able to take from Iraq and that is exactly what we did.

14 February 2007.

It was great, I had a hot girl I could date and touch inappropriately, and when she had to go home, I would go to hang out with my brother at Golden Dolls.

Golden Dolls is the superb Strip Club we found on our first trip and being the decent guys we are, we made a lot of friends there.

Like actual friends.

This trip we rented a two bedroom apartment, so we had no lobby sitting.

Our daily schedule was, for the most part: wake up, see the city/go out on dates, end up at the club until it closed down at 0600, have coffee and Tiramisu at the Kofe Hauz (Кофе Хауз) until 0800-0900 and go rack out at the apartment.

Anya would come over, hang out, cuddle up, watch movies, sit on my beard… you know, the best things in life.

Phones, Women and CannibalismWe had a lot of fun in our little apartment, one of my brother’s ladies came over and cooked us dinner since we had a full kitchen and all.

Chris and I would be lazy and watch 24, Supernatural and Russian Married With Children when we didn’t want to go anywhere.

Anya and I had fun with Nutella… Chris wasn’t invited, I’m selfish, DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!

It was a fantastic time to be alive.

Until Anya tried to eat me.

I don’t know if she wanted to turn me on, or cannibalism turned her on, but she would bite the fuck out of me.

This sweet, innocent girl who was initially scared of me due to my tattoos was trying to, in my mind, bite huge chunks out of me in an apparent sexual manner.

It was bad, I was not able to have full use of my right arm for over a month after I got back from Iraq after this trip because she bit me so hard on the inside of my elbow.

I would have been horrified if I wasn’t getting pissed that she kept trying to eat me after I told her to stop.

Phones, Women and CannibalismI have never in my life come as close to smacking a chick in the head as when she was doing the job that ruined my arm.

I have a pretty high pain tolerance and that shit hurt.

Would I do it again… fuck yes.

She was hot, I am lonely, and I have become more ok with cannibalism over the years… I would just have to ask her to try to refrain from eating me.

Rough biting and scratching, that’s ok. Making my body INOP for more than a day… not ok.

But then again, it has been a while and in the words of my buddy, J. Barnes… At this point, I’d probably fuck a beehive.

One night we walk to a Mexican place to have some dinner before we head back to the apartment to DVD and Chill.

We walk in the door, and the Maitre d’ has us walk all the way to the back of the establishment to check our coats.

We are then shown back to the front to be seated.

It is a decent looking restaurant, and I am just dying to see how well Mexican is done in Russia, life is good.

We order drinks, I am a lucky man about town with a beautiful girl by my side about to order what I assume will be a close approximation of Mexican food.

Her phone rings, she answers, it is her roommate who is currently in Paris on vacation.

She answers it, and I am not bothered because she told me about the vacation and surely she will be off the phone soon.

She gets all smiley and starts blasting off all excited in Russian.

Now I know a little bit of Russian, I read a bit more but I sure as fuck don’t know enough for two bestie girlfriends talking about vacations worth of Russian, so I am completely lost and losing interest in this turn of events by every tick of the clock…

And there were a LOT of ticks.

We order food… still on the phone

We get the food… still on the phone

91ac9-gd4-bmpI am eating the food, hating life and thinking for the first time in my life about walking out on the date… still on the phone.

I wonder if I could just leave her there on the phone and head back to the apartment or hit up the club.

I don’t even remember if the food was good at this place, I was too livid to notice because I was paying for two but eating alone.

She finally finishes the food while I am thinking about how cold it is and if I really need that coat… still on the phone.

She wants dessert… still on the phone… fuck dessert.

She has said like 5 words to me since getting on the phone, and I hate this date but it was bitterly cold outside, and if I go get my coat, she will see me leave because I will have to pass by her on my way out.

I don’t want her to get off the phone for my sake as she hasn’t to this point.

Dessert comes… still on the phone…fuck phones.

She eats dessert… still on the phone… Alexander Graham Bell was a prick… fuck him too.

I get the check and sit waiting till she finally gets off the phone.

I am just staring at her by this point thinking about how much I hate her friend, and I hope she falls off the Eiffel tower and maybe Anya could fall with her…

She gets off the phone, and I am beyond done with that night… if I had it in me to be an absolute prick, this would have been my shining moment.

I could not wait to get rid of her for the night, so I could calm down and go meet Chris at Golden Dolls.

Unfortunately for me, I am not a prick and am, somewhat, an old school cat.

Phones, Women and CannibalismSo as the pissed off gentleman that I was, I walk her home, tell her good night and shoot straight for the club to try to salvage some of my night.

Ника (Nika) certainly helped make it better, I miss her too though she and I still talk.

I continued to see Anya during the trip, we had fun up to that date, and I am rather forgiving, even with her trying to eat me.

She was mostly enjoyable and very easy on the eyes in all manner of dress… or undress, as it were.

That miserable night prompted me to start asking questions before I will take a girl out and highest on that list is what do you do with your phone during a date.

I’ll end up stabbing a motherfucker if I have to live through that bullshit again…

I was going to apologize to AGB’s family, but it turns out he really was kind of an asshole.


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