The Liberation of Fuck It

This is the last one I am going to post from articles I temporarily deleted from Chop’s Guide due to a period of temporary insanity and lapse in my personal ethos.

I would like to say never again but I am a slow learner.

unnamed-4Howdy Y’all,

I have lived almost the entirety of my life without someone to share myself with, and honestly, it is probably the thing I have longed for the most or at least the longest amount of time.

Though you wouldn’t guess it by reading some of my articles on here or following me on social media but in general, I have always had a very traditional sense of love and only ever wanting to belong to one person.

There was this girl who was my best friend when I was a child, she lived right down the road from my Nanny and Papa in Mansfield, Texas.

My mom told me once that she had imagined us together when I was a kid, I never told her that I imagined the same thing.

She was the first girl I wanted to belong to.

83846625There have been many more girls over the years, whom I have imagined myself with, only to either be placed in friend-zone or one of us disappointing the other and nothing coming of it.

In some cases over the course of years.

This has, in general, been the course of my love life. I get excited about the prospect of someone and it ends up falling apart.

I have grown accustomed to it… as Bane would say I was born in it, molded by it.

I have finally come to a point in my life where I can barely be bothered.

Thanks to the interwebs my wanderlust and my general lack of attraction to and for modern westernized women I tend to find girls who interest me either abroad but on the rare occasion I find one within the +1 country code.

unnamed

Though as I said, I can barely be bothered anymore, I am almost always the more excited one in the “relationship.”

I am the one who waits eagerly for responses in messengers and can easily have my day made through little effort of a lass who interests me and who also decides to give me some of her time.

With that being said, mixing the cocktail of constant disappointment, and my plans for life and long-term travel have calloused me to the point that when, inevitably, one of us seems to lose interest (usually her) it does not crush me much anymore.

It is not at all that I stop caring… it’s just… I do not really know how to explain it, I just do not continue to be plagued by feelings good or bad.

Take, for example, my most recent case of this happening.

As anyone who reads Chop’s Guide knows, I have every intention of moving back overseas for what may be forever.

unnamed-9There is a girl stateside that I found myself talking to that likes the idea of going with me and I very much liked the idea of taking her.

She and I have spoken about a life together, and she was the very last girl I introduced to mom before mom died.

They were both very fond of one another.

I was and remain fond of her.

My only issue I found with her was that she would just stop talking for a few days, not that she wouldn’t be online, almost constantly that, she just wasn’t on board with hitting me up for whatever reason.

This is something I find pretty common amongst women of the west nowadays and to a lesser extent, women around the globe, and I try not to let it bother me too much.

Generally, anymore, I just thank the girl for her time she freely gave me and leave it at that if she does not reply.

unnamed-5If she does answer, then I try to forget about her disappearances and enjoy the time granted for this interval until, as I am certain and almost without fail, the girl in question will ghost again.

The girl who I am referring to has not responded to me since 22 Jan, and as I looked for the date to add here, she is not only online at this very moment but has still not looked at the last thing I sent her which was a picture I found funny.

On 26 Jan.

I am writing this 4 Feb though it will not show up on the guide until 14 Feb

Cue my contempt for the commercialized one-day love fest we call Valentine’s Day.

I am reading this again to make sure everything is lined out on 11 Feb, and I have yet to hear from her.

unnamed-7The reason I state all of this is to explain how I have moved into the realm of “Fuck It” when it comes to women at least.

I care about this girl very much, and I am sure I always will as I do with any person I care for at some point in my life, I may be lonely, but I am fairly loyal.

Once you have a spot in my heart, you always will even if it is a diminished position, I maintain fond memories and I will try to help you if I am ever needed.

This is not only for women but for friends who have fallen away over the years.

I have imagined a life with this person and her munchkin and may possibly continue to do so if she decided to reply to me again, but in the interim, it’s not that I don’t care but, honestly, I just don’t care.

Could start this never-ending process over with someone new tomorrow and my feelings would remain the same, face value, I enjoy the fraction of time I am allotted and expect it to be taken away soon.

All I do care about is leaving, with or without someone.

FB_IMG_1451780414865I know that in a lot of the places I intend to go, it will not be hard to find companionship of some sort even if the companionship is for rent… when in Rome after all.

Though I have no want to become a whore-monger, it is preferable to me than bothering with women who can not muster enough time to say hi and have some semblance of conversation on a daily basis without me always being the one to initiate said discussion.

I will still fall victim to this and do quite often, in some cases for years at a time, on and off. But at least I am getting to the point that it does not upset me to barely register in the mind of those who claim to care for me or entertain the thought to at least sit on my beard.

I just wonder, on occasion, if it is a good thing that my heart is hardening, so I don’t let these things irritate me or is this a bad thing, and is going to guarantee a life alone.

Minus some reasonably priced love.

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One thought on “The Liberation of Fuck It

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