T-minus 3 days until I begin hating myself for bettering myself, much different than hating myself for destroying myself today.
Waking up this morning was the same as the past several years, I didn’t want to get out of bed even though I couldn’t sleep anymore. My back hurts so bad at night that I lay down to go to sleep, and my back hurts so completely in the morning that I have to get out of bed.
I want to lay back down as soon as I leave the house. But that’s after I enjoy yet another quick and delicious breakfast at McDonald’s. This time through the drive through I decide to go back to the three sausage McMuffins and an extra large Coke. I just don’t have time to sit and be as lazy as humanly possible while stuffing my pie hole with anything under the sun minus the actual pie this morning.
The happiness went away shortly after the feast, as usual, and it was back to the fatigue and lower back pain while I forced myself through the rest of the morning.
Lunch would ease the pain at the expense of another cheeseburger accompanied by a half pound bag of BBQ chips and a 20 ounce Coke.
All day stress, anxiety, unsureness, upset stomach, the works, until supper.
Homemade spaghetti, but Prego with a pound and a half of hamburger meat isn’t as healthy as I will be looking for in less than a week.
Sleeping rituals, or habits now, are the same. Two sleeping pills 45 minutes before I want to lay down, and three hours later I am still up and wondering if I should take another pill just in case.
Still no meditation, which couldn’t hurt. Go to sleep unrested and wake up unrested.
Maybe it will all change in the near future…