Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot!

 

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Howdy Y’all,

I am posting this in two days on my birthday so we will pretend it is the 12th already…

Think of Chop’s Guide as a land of make believe.

If you understand the title to this article, not only are you awesome, but you will figure out why this is the year I used that line in relation to my age.

I am currently not having an exceptionally good day, but I will try to not reflect that too much in this post because hey… it is my birthday…

Fuck, I forgot about pretending…

I was not having an exceptionally good day two days ago, and it was due to Chop’s Guide.

I am pretty open about my life on Chop’s Guide but I usually keep my current romantic interests confined within a small group and it is only after the obligatory disaster strikes do they show up on the guide.

It looks like this is changing, maybe the disaster can be averted.

You see, there is this girl who, after being “friends” for a couple years started talking to me and has had quite an impact on me.

She has altered some of my cynical perspectives on the world and that I have gathered and nurtured over the years, mostly to do with me dying single and alone.

I still figure this is true but… maybe not…

Baby steps.

To say I enjoy this girl is an understatement.

Kind, smart, wants to travel with me… perfect.

She, like most people burned by the opposite sex in life, has a hard time trusting me and my posts about my misadventures in love seem to make it harder.

She is convinced that because of my article The Liberation of Fuck It, I have not gotten over the last girl that I talked seriously with because of some of the turns of phrase I used in the article although I had written that article a month after I was over that particular person.

Since that article and the final nail in the coffin of that chapter of my life is so recent, she has trouble believing me, and outside of just being consistent in my feelings for her, I can not think of any other way to prove it.

Hopefully today these things will be past us, and I am having at least a slightly less shitty birthday.

Today is fucking horrible with or without this girl, but certainly less soul crushing with her.

This is my first birthday without my mom.

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The one phone call I always consistently got is gone.

Mostly to remind me of the 6 billion hours of labor she was in.

The hours of labor fluctuated so much during my life that she actually did forget how long it was, the number continuously got larger the older I got.

She was a dunnamed (20)ork.

In two days it will be my first motherless mother’s day, and since I will be at the lake to see my nephew graduating, I will not even be able to spend it with my dad.

But I will be able to get a haircut and maybe have some tacos…

That is my goofy nephew in a wig… he will hate that I post this… luckily he doesn’t read it.

Fucking graduation on mother’s day… who does that?

I have to go to Sambob’s house today to get a robe made up for his wedding.

He is getting married on the 20th, and for whatever reason, he asked me to preside over it.

I have an almost crippling hatred/fear of speaking in front of crowds, and now I am going to have to read a novella in front of a crowd while I am dressed as Albus Dumbledore in a Harry Potter themed wedding.

I have only done one wedding before, and it was pretty horrible, the bonus to this one is, hopefully, I will know at least half of the people, with luck even more.unnamed (21)

I do not look forward to doing this, but I am happy to be part of Sam and Steph’s big day… even if I will want to stab them both a little bit for putting me through this.

In retaliation… here is Sambob deepthroating a big black donut.

On a positive note, I have been saving the lives of turtles so I am good for something.

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Happy Mother’s Day.

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I’m not even supposed to be here today.

For those who do not get it…

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