The Adventures of Barry -Money Changes You

“From: Barry Bagerneth < >
Date: Thursday, July 16, 2009, 4:18 AM

It has been more than 24 hours since I have heard from you. I hope all is well, and that you have not been scared off because I really need this money. Over the past 24 hours, expecting 40% of $29.4 million, I have developed a heroin problem that has grown out of control. I am now in debt up to my ears, which is not very high as I am a midget, but the sharks are now circling. I was afraid of having people notice the track marks and calling me a “needle ninja,” so I experimented by injecting heroin directly into my right testicle.

Boy was that a mistake.

It ballooned to the size of a Fiat, and I had to roll around like something out of a horror flick. The sensation was much like that of eating burning lava…and then the joy of the heroin rush….and then the eating of burning lava…a vicious cycle,  that is still going on now.

I now believe I am blind in my left eye, my left arm is numb from constantly rubbing my right ballooned testicle, and I am now bed-ridden.

Thank god for a laptop, or I would not be communicating with you now.

Don’t wig out on me, sir, I need this money now more than ever.

Yours truly,

Barry Bagerneth”


“From: < >
Subject: Fw: Re: HAVE A GREAT DAY
Date: Thursday, July 16, 2009, 7:58 AM

I hate to keep bothering you, as you must be seriously busy trying to take care of so much with all of that money, but I feel like we are so close business wise now that I must keep you abreast on all things going on here in Central Texas.

My right testicle just ruptured, and my caretaker took some of the internals in the face…I believe she is going to quit soon. That will leave me having to fend for myself, but this may be for the better as her goiter was getting on my last nerve. I always had the feeling there was some remote control camera in that thing taping my every move, disgusting.

The main issue with the goiter is I don’t exactly know what to do with it; throw up on it or make sweet love to it…the thoughts going through my mind scare me.

I still can’t walk very well, but am not bed-ridden anymore. I more or less hobble around, but fortunately now am not stepping on my enlarged ball. I made it to the bathroom for the first time in a day, so it was great that I did not crap in my pants.


I didn’t make it to the toilet, but as long as Olga is employed, she will clean up the bathtub and floor. The bad thing is that this stool was very runny, much like a very loose chocolate milkshake with some peanuts in it…but don’t worry I don’t have to touch it.

I hope everything is still well on your end, and please let me know what you need from me to make my dreams come true. For now, I am off to shoot some heroin in my neck…never again in the testicles.


Barry Bagerneth”



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