This was one of my very first Chop’s Guides, and as I am now back on these damn dating sites after a whirlwind heartbreak, I thought it could use being posted again, and also I felt the need to add to it because of even more stupid shit I see on these sites.

As the lonely bastard that I am and have always been, with the occasional exception, I am very experienced in Online Dating sites.

I am possibly more experienced than any other four people combined, not because I have any luck at them or anything… I have just been joining them out of boredom since the late 90’s.

You name it, I am probably a member. Well boredom and the hope that someone will tolerate me.

With my street cred being established, I am going to talk about some things that girls do on their dating profiles that drive me fucking batshit insane.

The main reason for this is because it is ok for girls to have absolute shit profiles but guys have to be Gods among men, be 100% on point and have some flawless, next level shit to get noticed, much less get any replies.

I know this because I think I have a pretty decent profile on most of them and I get about as much attention as a white crayon.

Proof:

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Shit, bitches, I’m dreamy.

I tried to provide examples for as many of the gripes as I could, I hope you enjoy.

Let us dive in.

I understand a couple of group pics scattered amongst pics of the person who owns the profile but every single picture being the girl in a crowd of people does not make her look fun.

It annoys the fuck out of the guy trying to figure out what the girl looks like because it is like playing a game of Where’s Waldo.

Most girls nowadays tend to dress the same and have the similar hairstyles…

I’m not saying all white people look alike (they totally do) but a girl in a crowd of other girls without an explanation of which girl is whom can make the similarities hard to distinguish.

I see loads of posts of just parts of the girls face.

Sure, that is a nice dimple, but show one or two pictures of all these puzzle pieces put together.

Piecing it together is not only a pain in the ass but it makes me think the whole portrait must be god awful and you hope a potential date will fall enough in love with your chin mole that the rest won’t matter.

I am not the most fun guy in the world.

I admit it freely.

This is mostly due to lack of funds and being lazy, but fuck me you women make it look like I am a regular Most Interesting Man in the World.

“I love sports and drinking” may be God’s gift to some men but for me, I think I’d just as soon be alone.

I am not big on sports unless it is Fighting, X-Games or sports where girls jump and I have never been much of a drinker.

I drink, but it isn’t like my life goal, the thing I look forward to in order to make it through the week.

Same goes for girls whose only hobbies are exercising and shopping (these are all examples I have seen and the only hobbies they mentioned).

The exercising and shopping girls sound like they are going to make me feel like shit about myself while simultaneously breaking what little bank I have.

I realize I can exercise with them and would if I had a lady into it but those being her only two hobbies make her sound boring as fuck… you’re still going to die… maybe do some fun shit.

At least the people who look like they would be boring as fuck put something down.

If an average looking guy wrote fuck all on their profile, the only likes they will get would be bots.

And even the bots would probably have better taste.

I know a lot of guys just go for looks, but there have been loads of girls who are hot as fuck I have “swiped left” on because they put jack shit about themselves on it (usually because they also do something else on this list that annoys me).

It’s not usually something that instantly has me swiping left, but no guy below near Jason Momoa level could get away with that shit.

I have also noticed that most of the people who don’t fill anything out are skinny/beautiful people.

Sure, sometimes they can get by on their looks but fuck, not knowing anything about someone going in is frustrating unless you are purely in it for the looks.

Now I understand being judgmental about some things.

If I see a chick who is all like I am in the KKK or Antifa or I am part of the Black Lives Matter jackasses or I am voting for Killary Clinton because she is one of the worst people in history, then I will certainly not be going out of my way to talk to her.

I just don’t understand why you would be judgemental about petty shit.

I saw one that said, “If you watch any show on AMC then you would not be a match with me.”

Really?!

You are basing people on whether they may like The Walking Dead… you have to be an absolute DREAM to be around.

Fuck You.

We live in an era of technology and PHONES!

Why in the fuck do you not have more than one picture on your profile?

Even worse, no photo at all… just why?

Almost every person in the world nowadays has a phone… there is no excuse.

Saw a profile just today that not only had just one photo but it was from the neck down… now, to be honest, it was a hot body, and I may have saved that shit for later… but again… why?!

And to stay in line with phones, this is a new one that has to be addressed.

FUCKING QUIT ALREADY WITH THE FILTERS!

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I could see one or two if you have more than one or two pictures on your profile.

Lately, it seems if you happen not to have a picture with some stupid filter making you look like your mom fucked a dog and you are the product of their union then you are wearing my boyfriend beats me sunglasses to make sure no one can tell what you actually look like.

Again, this makes me think that the product you are selling is not worth the price.

Chances are you are gorgeous, but though some filters are cute, they do not help at all in accentuating the beauty that was there.

I add this for several profiles but one in particular actually made me write to the girl and gripe about her use of filters because she looked cute but I sure as fuck couldn’t tell it for certain.

The letter went as follows:

Howdy ma’am,

I am not saying this to be mean at all but why, on a dating profile, do you not have a single picture that looks like you?

I wrote this article and am going to have to edit it and add filters to my gripes because they are so abundant and annoying for anyone who wants to see the potential person they are writing.

I know most guys could care less and do not take the time to read profiles and whatnot, but some of us do and having not a single picture to see how one actually looks is, at least for me, a turn-off.

I see a lot of interesting profiles, yours included, however, it is hard to get a sense of the person behind the profile if you can not even see who they are or what they look like through filters that may be cute but defeat the purpose of putting up a dating profile.

Looks are certainly not everything and to be honest, it looks as if that is something you would not have to worry about anyway, I hope you do not mind my saying so, but filters seem to take away a lot of natural beauty, yours included.

The photos without filters cover up your features with a phone or have you making a funny face which would be fantastic if there was but a single, smiling (or not but smiles are nice), non-filtered picture amongst the group.

Just my thoughts, thank you for reading.

I hope at least the article made you smile 🙂

I just looked at her profile again and though she did not write me back, she has some good pictures on there now and she is actually pretty cute.

Small victories.

SOOO Sick of all the bitchiness on profiles and in general.

“I don’t need no man.” (Then get the fuck off of dating sites)

“I need a man who can handle all this” (She is meaning her shitty attitude, but it usually is in lockstep with her weighing a metric ton and wearing, exclusively, wrestling or racing t-shirts… which is funny because I always hear about how us tubby people are jolly)

One I saw the other day “If you aren’t prepared for flat out honesty, swipe left.”

I read that as I want an excuse to be a bitch whenever I feel like it but I will disguise it as honesty… and then all these women complain because they can’t find a decent guy.

It’s like Dave Chappelle said, “Chivalry is dead, and women killed it!.

The majority of profiles that I see that contain nothing but a picture are of what I would say are considered pretty girls.

You get some horse-faced Debbie Wasserman-Schultz look-alike profile, and that bitch is filled out with more information than you can grasp in one sitting but some of the ones who look like Megan Fox think they can get by on just pictures.

They can.

There are loads of guys who only care about how they look, but it is another indication for me that they may be boring… sure, physically I may want to touch them inappropriately (like Kesha), but the lack of information just bothers me.

Why do some girls only post face pics?!

Well I know why they are self-conscious of their bodies and I understand completely.

I am a tubby bastard (working on it) and I do not dig how I look for the most part (besides these big beautiful lips).

But I also do not only post face pics.

As far as I am concerned, they are a form of lying, I understand if you don’t dig your looks but trying to make yourself look like something you aren’t to try to attract a guy (or girl) is essentially lying.

We don’t get a lot of attention, I get it, but someone out there will dig it.

Looks are not everything but they are part of it and lying from the outset does no one any good.

We are in an era of every person having a camera on them at all times and still we have profiles with absolutely horrible photos on them.

Grainy photos or photos in the dark and even some of the stupid filters make them horrible.

It isn’t artsy…

It is shit…

Take a few decent photos and put them on your profile.

Don’t find the 5 photos that look like they were made pre-Civil War era and think those do you any justice.

I am looking at you for the possibility of maybe spending the rest of my life with you (it is a far-off goal but you never know).

So with that being said, I do not want to see a flower, a wagon wheel or a dog’s nostril.

I also do not want to see memes and motivational quotes.

I want to see you, I run across a lot of profiles that have a single picture of the person and like 6 pictures that they apparently took while having a seizure…

If you’re single, why in the fuck would you put pictures of you and a guy on there all cuddled up.

I would understand if it had something on there stating it was your brother but even then… don’t.

Especially if it isn’t your family though.

I do not give a fuck if he is your bestie (because you keep him firmly locked in the friend zone, that poor bastard), don’t put pics of you and a guy.

Makes people think maybe you aren’t as single as you make out to be.

Or even worse, why would anyone, family or not, put pics of just a guy… like the guy alone, in their profile?!

I saw this the other day, and it blew my mind… what would possess you to do that?

I may be friends with the coolest girl in the world, but there is not a snowball’s chance in hell she would ever be on my dating profile… that just gives off mixed signals.

I look for girls all over the world.

I never did that great with American girls anyway and I hope to be back overseas permanently.

In my search for girls all over the world and my mastery of the English language, I do not understand all these girls I meet who tell me they are from the States or Canadia but have a grasp of English on the same level as the average Filipina or Egyptian.

I know for the most part they are fake and all seem to have spent time in Ghana but it just kills me how adamant they are when I call them out on it that they are really American and English is their first language.

Even when I tell them that I would probably like them more if they weren’t American.

If there is a possibility that you aren’t just looking for cash… be who you are… unless you can be Pirate Batman.

I do not know if you know this, but your average dating site is geared towards women.

The reason they do this is because a lot of guys are creeps and will send them unsolicited dick pics.

I do not know if girls do not understand this concept, but I see TONS of profiles that say “If you want to know more send me a message/email” on sites like tinder.

For those who do not know Tinder, you can not make any contact if you want to know more unless they like you back.

Usually, I want to ask them more, so it seems like they are taunting me… ask more… oh wait, you can’t… SUCKER!

I see a lot of profiles stating they are a proud Feminist.

This is a turn-off.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the only place for a woman is in the kitchen but the feminism I see today has gone far beyond equality into the realm of absolute insanity.

For example, there is that poster about a guy and a girl getting drunk and having consensual sex but the girl regretted it later made the guy a rapist.

That is utter bullshit, and that is the standard for modern feminism.

If you’re proud of that… you seem just to be trolling for possible lawsuits you can file.

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I don’t understand why you would say you only date guys with X, it seems so limiting.

X can be any number of things.

The reason I put it on this list is something that actually includes me, but at the same time it pissed me off.

I saw a profile of a girl who stated that she only dated guys with tattoos.

I am a guy with tattoos, so I guess I am safe for her ideal man but why would someone limit themselves in that way?

I couldn’t see a guy getting away with stating the same thing about girls or something different.

“I won’t date a girl who doesn’t like Strawberry-Lemonade Gatorade.”

Sure, it doesn’t affect their personality in any way, but I am petty as fuck and like to come up with arbitrary rules for dating me.

Such Bullshit.

I hope this list has been informative and educational for you ladies who join sites and torment the men on them.

Please put forth a little more effort because you expect us to.

Or maybe you don’t, and I just don’t have whatever it is the fairer sex looks for.

I don’t know.

Fuck this.

I am going to touch myself inappropriately to muted Kesha videos.