T-minus 7 days until my body begins to go into complete and total shock. I have grown tired of feeling tired, aching, stressed, and feeling completely useless in the universe.
Day one consisted of the regular day to day operations of being a complete failure on a planetary scale. McDonald’s for breakfast, but not just McDonalds, three sausage McMuffins.

Three.

Three, let that sink in, along with washing it down with three large full flavored Coca-Colas containing about 700 carbs, not counting the McMuffins.

I felt like garbage before breakfast, and after added the feeling of being a disgusting pig. So, I did what any reasonable person would do in that situation, stopping by the corner store and picking up two sugar-free Monsters and a creme-filled chocolate chip cookie on the way to work. After an hour, I still felt like trash, stressed to high heaven, but at least had enough energy to stay awake and soak in my horrible existence.

A few hours later, I ingest a hamburger the size of a Fiat with BBQ potato chips on it, yet another Monster, and finish it off with my second creme cookie of the day. I head back to work feeling like I want to throw up and pass out rather than do anything productive at all.
Dinner, yeah. Wendys it is. The four for four special of 6,800 calories wasn’t enough, so being the decent human being that I am, upgraded to the Siracha fries, tacking on an additional 8,000 calories and gut rot.

With day one in the books, I still feel that suicide by overdose isn’t such a bad option, and must down two sleeping pills to even think about a mediocre two hours of shut eye.

I need professional help.