I have a love/hate relationship with all energy drinks, as I now have programmed my mind into believing that I need one, if not more, each and every day. Monster, Red Bull, Rockstar, 5-Hour Energy, or 15-hour Energy after guzzling three at a time, anything I can get my hands on. This has been a nasty ritual for at least the past ten years, and stopping anytime soon does not look like a viable option. So, I did what any normal human facing a nasty addiction would, I began to test the effects of these energy drinks on ordinary household items.
My first test would consist of the small containers in which contact lenses are cleaned, introducing a shiny new penny to five different types of power-packing sports drinks and studying the effects over a 7 day period.

My first test would consist of the small containers in which contact lenses are cleaned, introducing a shiny new penny to five different types of power-packing sports drinks and studying the effects over a 7 day period.
Day one would marry pennies to Monster, 5 Hour Energy shots, Red Bull, Rockstar, and Coca-Cola. All of the shiny soon to be pissed off pennies were dropped into a clean white container and covered entirely by some nasty liquid to be confined for a week unless I completely forgot about the test because I found a Chips marathon on ME TV…24 hours to go before I would unscrew the caps for educational purposes.

Day one would marry pennies to Monster, 5 Hour Energy shots, Red Bull, Rockstar, and Coca-Cola. All of the shiny soon to be pissed off pennies were dropped into a clean white container and covered entirely by some nasty liquid to be confined for a week unless I completely forgot about the test because I found a Chips marathon on ME TV…24 hours to go before I would unscrew the caps for educational purposes.

24 Hour Mark

Monster – Penny appears to be okay with no discoloration. Smell is same as when can opened, cat urine. Liquid same consistency and color as original.

5 Hour Energy shot – penny in the same position, slightly agitated as if it wanted to run a marathon all day but cooped up in this little white prison with a blue cap. No color change for liquid or penny, smell and consistency in line with introduction 24 hours prior.

Red Bull – all is well in the tiny cell, with Abraham Lincoln chilling. No color change, no smell change, and no liquid turning to a gelatinous state as of yet.

Rockstar – my personal favorite, maybe because I want to live like a rock star a little. No color change, Lincoln still unfazed, and the smell was still consistent with the out of the can two-week old underwear turned inside out seven times.

Coca-Cola – who can resist that tempting red labeled addiction machine? Me, of course not; Lincoln, no chance now, as he lay completely covered by all of its once carbonated goodness. No change in color or consistency, and no apparent signs of addiction as of 24 hours.

Day Two

Monster – Lincoln now produces indications of a mild stroke, shakes, and agitation. Smell has moved from basic cat urine to a cat just threw up in my mouth. Signs of discoloration, as the penny is turning on me pre-civil war style. Beginning to think this entire science project was a bad idea.

5 Hour Energy shot – color and consistency unchanged, smell turning for the worse, but still not as bad as the Monster. I would rather down this container than look at the first one again, Penny included. Side walls of the white container showing color changes; might be the acid eating through them, will need to keep an eye on that.

Red Bull – Lincoln appears to be pissed, and turning a slight shade of green, possibly sick to his stomach. Smell is atrocious, almost like the back of a garbage truck that has been stuck on a Los Angeles freeway for hours in 100-degree temperatures, yet much more pleasant than the Monster.

Rockstar – this was not the life of a rock star was the look on Lincoln’s face. Smell – same, maybe I need to change my underwear now. Slight discoloration to a greenish tint, and liquid changing as well telling me this crap could be the next super soldier used as a chemical weapon.

Coca-Cola – color unchanged, smell consistent. Razor blade now in the container next to Lincoln, making me wonder if Coke has gotten rid of the coke in their #1 bestselling product. Lincoln’s nose appears to be a bit redder than the last time I saw him but will pass that off as bad lighting in my bathroom.

Day Three

Monster – good lord, did a freaking cat crawl in this eye container, crap himself, and then die? The entire top of the penny has changed to a light green, and scratch marks are evident on the inside of the lid. Have I introduced this liquid into my body before?

5 Hour Energy shot – inside of the container is now a slight blue tint, and the smell is starting to follow suit with the Monster. Penny appears to be unfazed, but who would after a severe stroke two days ago?

Red Bull – liquid is turning a greenish tint now, apparently from Lincoln puking his guts up. 911 was scribbled in blood on the inside of the cap from desperation, or possibly the smell of a month old dead coyote in the Arizona desert. Possible name changes for these products coming soon.

Rockstar – it’s clear that whatever is in these drinks, copper does not like it; much greener color, almost a dull grassy look, complimenting a smell of a bucket of worms accidently left on the dashboard of a truck with no air conditioning on a hot dirt road in South Texas. Lincoln is now in a rock star induced coma, and will most likely never come out of it.
Coca-Cola – as I sip on an ice cold coke from the fridge, I open the container. Amazingly nothing major has changed, except for small white lines appearing next to Lincoln’s head, chopped up nice and neat. Lincoln’s pupils are enlarged, and he seems as if he wants to clean my room 39 times in a row starting yesterday.

Day Four

Monster – I am now wondering if a homeless man died in this bathroom. This is disgusting; with a complete green mossy cover over the top of the penny. How can the smell get any worse than yesterday you ask? Well, it did. I now know to open this thing with a gas mask tomorrow.

5 Hour Energy shot – gorgeous blue, almost reminding me of a beautiful sky on a breezy day, yet this is the color of a once white container being stripped of its manhood by a 5-hour energy shot straight out of the bowels of hell. It appears as if Lincoln has tried to commit suicide once or twice, and who blames him right now?

Red Bull – where do they get the ingredients for these products? The top of the penny is starting to create a new form of rust, commencing at the edges and working inside towards Lincoln’s head. I will head up a new division for Red Bull in the future to market this as an aircraft paint stripper.

Rockstar – I now believe the inside of my stomach is covered with a thick green moss much like a Southern Louisiana swamp. No sign of wildlife in the container, but it is its own ecosystem now. Much greener than yesterday and the smell must have gone away or my sense of smell destroyed from this experiment, as I don’t want to rip my nose off with a pair of rusty pliers.

Coca Cola – I really would have figured Coca-Cola would have been more destructive. No significant changes to color or smell, and penny still in the same condition minus the note telling me that if I alter the container with Pepsi, I would be stabbed to death; I bet he has never tasted Dr. Pepper.

Day Five

Monster – I’m regretting this decision to experiment with something that I have loved for so long, much like getting married to a woman that you’ve dated and lived with for 15 years, completely moronic. The inside of the container now has a thick gelatinous film covering it, and I can’t see the head of Lincoln. The smell is destroying my will to eat for the next month, which could be used as a weight loss program in the future. I think for a second of sticking my knife in the waters to stir up the penny, but don’t want to damage my knife.

5 Hour Energy shot – I wonder if the FDA gets involved in the testing of energy drinks…it’s blue inside this container. Now, I have a thick green forest on the lining and a lovely blue sky in my rumbling gut. The penny now has a skin completely covering it, almost as if it’s suffocating Lincoln. I hope he makes it another two days…

Red Bull – I was watching an Episode of Burn Notice, and now believe Red Bull is an essential ingredient in bomb production by Fiona. The rust has worked its way over more than half of the penny now and shows signs of speeding up. There is a rusty skin forming on this once shiny penny, scary.

Rockstar – I am now lovingly referring to this container as Bio-Dome. I lack only a few piranhas and a crocodile in my recreation of the Amazon basin. I will do some research as to the production facilities of Rockstar but believe they are in a remote area of Brazil with no roads or telephones. Lincoln now has a mossy green beard, accenting a thick patch of furry chest hair.

Coca Cola – I am impressed that this penny is not falling completely apart as of yet. No significant color changes, no atrocious smells, and no signs of an alien material used in the production of an over the counter drink.

Day Six

Monster – I’ve never really been against the testing of lab animals for the benefit of mankind, until now. If they tested this stuff on lab rats, there would be a freaking uprising and a new super plague. They should list this drink on the front page of the CDC website with a disclaimer reading, “do not bring in contact with anything living, any metal, any wood, or anything that you want to see two weeks from now.”

5 Hour Energy shot – I have now seen more shades of blue in this container than I have ever seen in my life. Lincoln has possibly grown a new head, and the sides of the container appear to be weak and unstable.

Red Bull – note to self, if I run out of gas on the highway and have Red Bull with me, use that, but only if I want to change the gas tank in a month. The rust has now engulfed the top of the penny and now appears to be growing vertically.

Rockstar – it’s hot, damp, and funky in the Bio Dome. There is now a gooey Jell-O type mountain forming around the penny and might swallow it soon. I would intervene to save the penny, but I am scared. Lincoln is completely on his own unless he can get some support from elsewhere.

Coca Cola – I wouldn’t drink it, but it’s still not too bad in this place. Just a single penny and some very flat Coca Cola, which used to be my drink of choice as a kid. Times have changed, and I’ll just leave it in the small eye washing container.

Day Seven

Monster – I might need EPA approval to dispose of the contents of this container, and if only Will Ferrell were here to tell me what this smells like. Possible uses for Monster in the future include using as an agent to eradicate entire species, sections of the globe, or hostile planets.

5 Hour Energy shot – doctors claim that goiters are only from iodine deficiencies, they apparently haven’t tested the long-term effects of a 5-hour energy shot. Lincoln now has two goiters from each thyroid gland, for a total of five heads. The stench is so great that all five threw up simultaneously, just happened to be when I unscrewed the top. The sides now appear to be leaking, with multiple stress fractures lining the plastic enclosure. My main issue is that now knowing this information; I will forget about it next time I am at Circle K staring at a beautiful shot of 5-hour Energy. Those damn marketing gurus…

Red Bull – never fear ladies, if you can’t find your pepper spray while being attacked on the street, just open a bottle of Red Bull and toss on the perp. Holy hell, this stuff is dangerous, with rust now overtaking the entire container. It smells like hell died in there, and looks like a Smurf puked up a rusty penny.

Rockstar – Jell-O Mountain is complete, minus the kiddy amusement park rides. Something appears to be moving, but every time I look, it disappears. The container now has a Loch Ness setting with a hint of seven-day-old dirty diaper smell, adult style. Once my favorite ingestible energy drink, I will now use it to destroy ants in my front yard. Coupled with fire, it’s possibly one of the deadliest weapons against all living organisms. Another thought would be opening all the containers at the same time, but that might trigger a worldwide panic and fears that the ten plagues of Egypt were upon us again.

Coca-Cola – could this be a mind trick, knowing that I can’t ever give up drinking Coca-Cola? Have I blocked out all the bad images and input some picture that doesn’t exist so that I continue to grab the red label off of a cold liquor store shelf?