No More Nights of Blood and Fire

d498250ef395e9cbb4e7cf82de261314Howdy Y’all,

It finally happened, the inevitable, or so it seems for me.

I had to change my status back to single.

Not at all by my choice nor my doing.

I know, everyone is innocent, right?

Well, at least in this instance, I am.

I know only one friend reads Chop’s Guide because if anyone else did, they might have given me the advice I had asked for in the last article concerning my Angelina and I may have realized back then that it was over and I was fighting for nothing.

I do not get hints.

But alas, if that had happened, I would not have anything to write today, I guess.

As a recap, I had barely talked to Angelina after her grandma died, she all but cut off talking to me.

And I was losing my mind with worry both for her and for our relationship.

She had told me that I was the best man she had ever had in her life, that I had made her happier than anyone else ever had even from a distance, and that she knew she would regret this, but she did not want to waste my time. She was not sure about being so hurt and depressed and not wanting to feel like she had to act happy in a relationship.

My reply was that if she loved me, then I could wait.

A few days after “not wanting to waste my time,” she removed herself from the Facebook Official relationship status.

If she loved me, I could wait.

I kept mine up, I have grown focus and drive over the last few years, and I am stubborn as fuck.

I kept talking to her every day like I always did and after my initial panic of her telling me those things, I mostly stuck to things that I hoped would make her smile with little to no feedback whatsoever.

I prayed there would be a light at the end of the tunnel because I gave my whole heart to this girl and had every intention of giving her my life too.

(that may sound more morbid than I intended but I like morbid)

She always talked about loving that I write and the listening to me read to her, so I took up voice recording myself reading to her every night and sending it in hopes that she would smile and maybe break down the wall and find her way back to me.

I was prepared to do this as long as I could because I believed love was there. She told me several times that when she loves, she loves unconditionally and apparently I now do the same.

I would tell her every day that I love her, I was here for her and I hoped to hear her beautiful voice.

God, I love that voice.

Before she cut off communication, she never wanted to text, only to talk on the phone which made my time in North Dakota harder because she wanted to talk on the phone when our schedules were completely different.

We got to talk some but cell service on location was fucking horrible, when I was getting off work she was asleep and when I was going to work, she was still at work.

It sucked.

I had barely heard her voice since her grandma died and I had started fighting the uphill battle to save… I’m not sure anymore.

I left North Dakota in hopes that she would give me the ok to come be with her during her rough time, I had the money to do so and wanted to be there more than anything.

I still do.

She refused to allow me.

I do not get hints, I could not understand her reasoning, but I stayed here and kept fighting.

Then at 0530 one day recently my phone rings and I see her name, my heart leapt out of my chest, and I thought maybe I had finally broken through with all the stupid shit I did, hoping to make her smile.

She was screaming at me, asking why I would do this and how would I ever think this was ok.

I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, and my initial joy turned to sorrow.

I lost her.

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and without talking to Angelina, I was pretty much talking to anyone who would give me the time of day.

I may have focus and drive, but I was hurting, bad… I still am.

I would talk to them about Angelina and I because I am hard wired to help the people I love. Since I was being denied this, and my heart was being ripped out, all I could think about was her, so it was either I cut off communication with everyone or talk to them about what is bothering me.

To say I was not my usual jovial self would be an understatement.

My brother Chris was one of the people I talked to, and in his concern for me, he decided to try to do something on my behalf.

Some of the things that I told him did not make sense to him, and honestly, they didn’t really make sense to me like Angelina just shutting me down when all I wanted to do was to be there for her.

To be the boyfriend I have always heard that girls wanted… not to win points or anything… my heart was already there, hurting with her, I just wanted to follow it.

With concerns such as this, Chris decided to look into Angelina to make sure I was not being led on for whatever reason.

So Chris contacted her ex and asked about her.

He asked if she may possibly be scamming me.

Instantly everyone thinks money when this is brought up, and this guy was no exception.

Money would be barking up the wrong tree with me but some guys get scammed just for attention… look at all those poor bastards in the friend zone or kept on the back burner.

That is a scam if I ever saw one.

This cat went directly to Angelina about it, and with this jackass saying I probably put Chris up to it, she got it in her mind that I thought this about her.

The problem is, I knew nothing about any of this until I got the phone call from her and her not being 100% honest with me never even crossed my mind, still hasn’t even though she blames me for doubting her.

I have been completely devoted to her since day 1 otherwise I would not have tried to fight this losing battle.

Hell, I didn’t even beat off to thoughts of anyone else because she turns me on so completely.

I understand why she is angry although it seems the scammer part is what makes her most pissed and I also understand why Chris did it.

She feels her privacy was violated and he was worried about me because this whole situation was killing me.

What I didn’t understand was why Angelina keeps telling me this was my fault when I knew nothing about it.

She told me I should have told Chris never to do something like that (like I should have thought this would happen beforehand) and set limits but as Chris even said, I do not own him, and if he is worried someone close to him is going to get hurt, he will look into it.

I am not happy with Chris for this but he was worried for me, I wish he had talked to her first even if he still decided to do this, again, completely without my knowledge.

She has told me she will never trust me again.

Although I did nothing at all.

Chris has told her it was completely his doing, that I have done nothing but defend her and express my love for her but she still says “what you and your friend did.”

She unfriended me and everyone I know on Facebook and told me about the post she wrote about how her “so-called “boyfriend” did this to her with the help of my friend.”

That post is part of why I am explaining my side of it.

20170715_214323The only thing I am guilty of was loving her with all of my heart and being completely devoted to her, even during the few times she hurt me by her actions while we were together, I just never mentioned them because I didn’t think they were that important in the long run.

I have come to the conclusion that when she told me long distance relationships were hard and the whole “I don’t want to waste your time” bullshit she was already done with me.

Have had a few people confirm this, although she is sticking to saying it is completely the fault of Chris and I.

Unfortunately for her, my unconditional love can weather the storm whereas hers could not seem to make it through the inconvenience of not being able to talk to me on the phone daily.

I can’t think of any reason she needs me to be the villain so much other than that it justifies, in her mind, dumping me when I did nothing wrong.

She says she does not need a reason to break up with someone and though that may be true, it is so much easier on your conscience when you can make them the bad guy, and since I was not catching the hints of letting me down easily, this made for the perfect opportunity.

I don’t care that she broke up with me… well I do, or I wouldn’t be writing this, but it would make me feel better if I had least actually acted like a piece of shit in some way.

I understand the death of her grandmother was horrible for her and I wish more than anything I could have been more available but I was trying to earn the money to be with her full time.

I still love her and would like nothing more than to be able to put this behind us, but I do not see that happening.

You may think I am nuts, but she truly is amazing.

She is smart, funny, caring, giving, independent and drop-dead gorgeous.

She was my best friend for a time.

She does like Starbucks, so she isn’t perfect and she blames me for things I had no control over.

But she also spends her free time with a 5-year-old orphan girl.

And she wanted to travel with me so long as she could teach wherever we went.

I love her and even though she hates me, as with everyone I have ever loved, friends and family, I will always try to be here for her if she ever needs me for anything.

That is what unconditional love is.

I am going to do my best never to put my heart in this situation again, time to put up some walls and pay for some hookers.

Ladies, I may be emotionally unavailable and have a shattered heart, but some of you weirdos dig that in a man and it should make me more attractive to you, so I am free and available to give beard rides.

I can’t have a post without little humor…

I was kidding!

Or was I?

As for the title, my buddy Jeff Layfield posted this song on Facebook, and as Type O Negative is my favorite band ever, I listened to it and felt the lyrics matched my feelings almost perfectly as only Type O can do.

As always, feel free to like, comment and share!

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